Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
❤️❤️❤️
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question