Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY