@phaggots: "911, please help im dying"
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad
@phaggots: *about to rob a bank*
"Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun"
i dont need one
i already have two
@phaggots: [ouija board]
Spirits im in need of your help
O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S
W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D
@phaggots: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
"Scorpio's drink water when they're thirsty"
OMG THIS IS SO ME
@phaggots: Bae: come over
Me: can we ever have normal conversations
Bae: my parents aren't home
Me: why can't you just ask how good my day was for once
@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend]
"Just finished my homework"
Cool, Send a pic (; ?
*gf sends a nude*
Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!