Are you a cat person or a person person?
You Might Also Like
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.