I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Breaking news:
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
found my next D&D character name
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.