There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms