dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
You Might Also Like
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.