*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
You Might Also Like
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what