Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he