Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts