It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
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HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas