Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of philyuck's best tweets

@philyuck : The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

@philyuck: Hi I'm here for my vasectomy.
"Would you like that toasted?"
What?
"Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let's do this."

@philyuck: COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He's alive so I'm assuming he had a birth, yes.

@philyuck: “Here we are.”

I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field.

“No it’s not.”

Oh this place is good.

@philyuck: Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

@philyuck: my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

@philyuck: I just told my dog to "say hi" to another dog. And yes, I realize that's crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

@philyuck: ME: I'll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I'd like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the... ok.

@philyuck: President’s Day is just a holiday invented by Presidents to sell more Presidents.

@philyuck: Dominos dropped the “pizza” from its name because they’re not legally allowed to call that pizza.