Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
🙋♀️
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold