I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
thank god the sign was there
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.