Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
You Might Also Like
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Grandmother clock.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Worlds greatest photobomb
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Still my favourite meme.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee