I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
He-man has a Masters degree
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic