How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.