my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
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Merry Christmas
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy