airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back