I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
no one ever comes back
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”