“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
You Might Also Like
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!