I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache