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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*