I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
5 ways to appear taller
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose