Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of pixelatedboat's best tweets

@pixelatedboat : a public service announcement

@pixelatedboat: I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

@pixelatedboat: "And you are?" she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

@pixelatedboat: Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

@pixelatedboat: The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

@pixelatedboat: The market is saturated with podcasts that try to solve cold cases so instead I’m going to start a podcast that actively impedes an ongoing murder investigation

@pixelatedboat: Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

@pixelatedboat: New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

@pixelatedboat: Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@pixelatedboat: I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)