Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If looks could kill
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”