Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.