[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂