*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
😂😂😂
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Uh oh…
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”