early stone age tool
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
This is true.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.