@pleatedjeans: Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
@pleatedjeans: Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
@pleatedjeans: When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
@pleatedjeans: [petting stranger's dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
@pleatedjeans: A long time ago a wine expert said 'it has an okay flavor' but the guy heard 'oaky flavor' & now people want their wine to taste like trees
@pleatedjeans: I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
@pleatedjeans: Forget a beach bod I want a bat's bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
@pleatedjeans: "Ostriches can't fly" said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
@pleatedjeans: A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding