Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of pleatedjeans's best tweets

@pleatedjeans : When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options: 1. Donate to Goodwill 2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@pleatedjeans: [petting stranger's dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

@pleatedjeans: A long time ago a wine expert said 'it has an okay flavor' but the guy heard 'oaky flavor' & now people want their wine to taste like trees

@pleatedjeans: I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@pleatedjeans: Forget a beach bod I want a bat's bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

@pleatedjeans: "Ostriches can't fly" said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

@pleatedjeans: A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

@pleatedjeans: [approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you're Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read

@pleatedjeans: [stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@pleatedjeans: [filling out birth certificate]
Me: we're naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes "Grork"]