Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting