My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”