Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much