One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
yes, those are my real potatoes.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
SF is the wild wild west man
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.