Thou shalt not commit adulthood
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A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.