#math
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my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”