This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
had to share :’)
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem