DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.