I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.