If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
It was worth a shot 😂
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”