I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.