[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
You Might Also Like
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
who wore it better?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
When ur friends with white people
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive