ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
A short story about romance.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
And now we wait