Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of pplwtching's best tweets

@pplwtching : Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you... Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

@pplwtching: Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@pplwtching: Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

@pplwtching: As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@pplwtching: Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill...

That I do not possess, apparently.

@pplwtching: Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@pplwtching: *uses Sharpie to write, "do not drop" on your newborn's forehead before handing it back.

@pplwtching: I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don't tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.

@pplwtching: If someone says, "right about now" and you don't respond with "the funk soul brother" we can't be friends.

@pplwtching: It's amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.