“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!