“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.