HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
File under excellent bookstore names.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.