My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Every time my phone rings
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.