Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.