Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?