“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?