if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.