Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.