My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
How do you like your Corgi?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch