#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My love language is hissing.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them