If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’ve been learning to cook.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Breaking news:
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Harsh but fair
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ