Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of prufrockluvsong's best tweets

@prufrockluvsong : I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull. "Sorry, I've been working out." I say.

@prufrockluvsong: [me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha...What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@prufrockluvsong: I would do anything for love. But I won't do that. Or that. That's not looking good either.

@prufrockluvsong: I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It's metric system or gtfo.

@prufrockluvsong: [returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn't hold my husband's teeth together at all.

@prufrockluvsong: *shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

@prufrockluvsong: Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

@prufrockluvsong: Me watching any college movie:

@prufrockluvsong: [showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

@prufrockluvsong: The waiter who's drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?